So Moses (actually it was my buddy Jack who is a homeless fella that I drink with once in a while) went up the mountain (actually it was up under the freeway overpass where he sleeps) and came down with the new ten commandments (actually I wrote em and stuck em in his pocket when he was passed out so he would find em in the morning and think they were from God.) The nephews seen me writing the paper that I put in Jack’s pocket, and they thought I should put it up on the interweb, so here ya go.
The New Ten Commandments -
1. Thou shalt not sneak a drink of Willie’s beer when he’s off taking a piss behind a tree. If thou shalt do that shit one more time, thou shall be stricken with many pains in both groin and head. The lord sayeth unto thee “Drinketh thine own beer and do not covet that of your neighbor, especially if the beer doth belong to Willie Borgess.”
2. Thou shalt share thine riches with those who have less. If thou hast a brewski or a bottle of spirits and Willie doth have none, you shall share your drink with him as Jesus would have done.
3. Thou shalt not piss off the overpass any more. It’s funny for a minute to piss on all the cars going by, but the police always cometh and bothereth your drinking companions soon after.
4. Thou shalt no longer purchase the cheapest available vodka, the swill known to your companions as The Blue Runner. The lord sayeth that this liquor should not be consumed by man nor beast for it causes the bowels to move with ungodly speed and Willie is tired of shitting himself on the way home. Spend the extra thirty cents and get the good stuff with the red label. This sayeth the lord.
5. Thou shalt wash thine ass once in a while. The lord is pleased with a clean drunk who does not stink of cigarettes and stale vomit all the damn time.
6. Thou shalt leave offerings to me. Each day one can of beer must be left under the second pine tree from the corner, the one right across from Willie’s house. And make it good beer, the lord is not pleased by old skunked beer or Natural Light.
7. Thou shalt not abide a policeman to taketh your spirits. The lord has given you those spirits and only the lord shall take them away. If a policeman attempts to taketh away your drink the lord commands you to fight with feet and fists and teeth and claws and invoke the power of the lord throughout the battle. Be strong my son.
8. Thou shalt not drink cheap Tequila. Your behavior upon imbibing this concoction, including kicking folks while they are sleeping and throwing full bottles of beer at the folks in the park, is unacceptable in God’s eyes.
9. Thou shalt not knock on Willie’s window at night trying to borrow five dollars to buy a pint of brandy. In fact thou shalt not ever knock on Willie’s window unless you have something good to share with him. And give him the five bucks you owe him, the man ain’t made of money you know.
10. Thou shalt stop watching the crazy old woman in apartment 6A from the parking lot behind Willie’s building while she gets undressed at night. That woman has got Alzheimer’s and her teets hang down to her belt. It ain’t right. If you need some jollies, head down to 9th street and watch the hookers strutting around. At least they still remember their name and don’t tell stories about how they are Vanna White and they are going to marry Jack Kennedy.
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